


let not one kiss or look be lost

by saionara (koyukis)



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, ash is alive and he and eiji live in japan together, but ash still gets nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 12:09:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17981060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koyukis/pseuds/saionara
Summary: It’s been years and he’s miles away from where it all happened. But the memories still haunt him in his dreams and when he wakes up in a cold sweat, reaching for a gun that isn’t there and scanning the room for a person that no longer exists, it feels like he never left New York at all.But always, it’s seeing Eiji beside him that anchors him to the present when he’s lost in a sea of the past.





	let not one kiss or look be lost

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this, I just had A Lot Of Feelings about the ending and needed an outlet.
> 
> This is unbeta'd cause 1) idk any good beta readers 2) we die like men
> 
> There's some Japanese speech in there but I'm not fluent so it might sound wrong cause all I have going for me is google translate lmao
> 
> Title comes from the poem Lullaby by W.H Auden

He sees ghosts in his dreams.

Faces he once knew, faces that smile and faces that cry, faces that contort in rage and faces that stare listlessly back at him.

Some he doesn’t recognize; a stranger in the street perhaps or someone he had made quick work of in the past. But some of them linger too long, the memory of them still sharp, as if he had only just seen them. The colors of their eyes are suddenly too bright, the sound of their voices too loud, their agonized cries of pain too real.

Ash wakes up in a cold sweat and immediately reaches for his gun, the one he always kept beside him even while he slept. His hands find only empty air and when he looks around the room wildly, terrified, he sees only darkness and the black silhouette of the tree outside their bedroom window. There are shadows in the corners but none are human-shaped. None of them resemble the ghosts in his dreams.

Ash sighs and hunches over, pulling at the strands of his hair. He glances at the wall clock on the other side of the room and sees that it’s barely past midnight.

He breathes in deeply and tries to steady himself. He looks down at his hands, still shaking, and tries to calm himself. Tears have begun to pool at the corners of his eyes and he does little to stop them when they begin to flow.

Then suddenly, Eiji stirs beside him.

“Ash?”

Eiji sits up slowly, rubbing at his eyes. The moment he sees Ash’s face, his eyes go wide and he grabs for his glasses on the bedside table. Pushing stray strands of hair away from his face, Eiji moves closer to Ash and begins running a hand up and down his back in a soothing motion.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Eiji whispers. “It’s all right. Breathe.”

“I-” Ash tries to speak but he ends up choking before a sob.

“Shh,” Eiji says gently, pulling Ash closer. “Just breathe. It’s okay.”

For a long time, there is nothing but the sound of Ash’s soft sobs and Eiji’s soothing whispers. Outside, a particularly strong wind makes the branches of the tree tap on the window’s glass, like a person begging to be let in.

Gradually, the tightness in Ash’s chest lightens up and his breathing returns to normal. But he keeps clutching on to Eiji tightly, holding on to the front of his shirt.

“Do you feel better now?” Eiji asks and Ash nods.

“That’s good,” Eiji says with a small smile and Ash feels relief immediately flood his chest at the sight of that smile.

After that, they just stay there, holding each other, Eiji’s hand still patting Ash’s back and Ash breathing slowly.

“Can I hear some of your Japanese?” Eiji asks and Ash nods, feeling like a child as he extracts himself from Eiji and shifts into a more comfortable sitting position.

“ _Ore no namae wa_ Ash _desu_ ,” Ash begins slowly. “ _Ore wa Amerikanjin desu. Ore...nijuuyon-sai desu._ ”

Eiji nods along to his words, smiling encouragingly, and Ash can’t help but smile back, feeling foolish.

He’s been living in Japan for close to five years now and his accent has yet to fade. Though of course it doesn’t help that he gets Eiji to speak for him or translate things for him most of the time when they’re out shopping or strolling. It’s not like Ash never once learnt a lick of Japanese while he was here. But he was still at the conversational level at the most, a far cry from being fluent, and his vocabulary was still a bit limited.

Eiji’s English, by contrast, had gotten way better than when he had first arrived at New York; almost fluent even, his accent no longer as prominent when he spoke. It seemed that the more Ash asked him to translate for him, the more Eiji learnt about English, more than Ash was learning about Japanese.

“ _Ore wa...natto ga kirai desu_.”

“ _Oi!_ ” Eiji says, offended, and Ash manages a small chuckle.

Ash knew that these exercises were mostly to calm him down and keep his thoughts away from his dreams but it helped to anchor him in the present more than anything.

He remembers that he is in Japan, speaking and learning Japanese, and that he is in the small house they rented in the suburbs of Tokyo - so much like New York with its streets and its crowds of people but so different from it as well. And Eiji is here. His needs to wear glasses now and his hair has gotten longer, but he is still the same Eiji.

 _“Ore wa mou..._ New York _ni imasen,_ ” Ash says in a low voice then repeats, “I’m not in New York anymore.”

Eiji studies Ash carefully before he wraps his arms around him. “No you’re not,” he reminds him again gently. “You’re far away from New York now.”

Ash closes his eyes and breathes in the smell of Eiji’s shirt - a mixture of detergent, faint notes of the dinner they had earlier and the distinct unique scent of Eiji himself.

“But I still...feel like I never left,” Ash says. “Sometimes.”

Eiji nods. “I know.”

“Is it ever going to get easier?”

“It will.” Eiji’s voice is certain, unshakable. “I know it will.”

Ash looks up at Eiji, at the hopeful expression on his lover’s face, and laughs.

“Eiji,” Ash says.

Eiji smiles. “Ash.”

“Eiji.”

A light chuckle. “Ash?”

“Eiji?”

“Stop it,” Eiji laughs and nudges Ash’s arm.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Ash says.

“I have a photoshoot to do at the shrine,” Eiji replies. “It’s a couple about to get married.”

“You mean a prenup?”

Eiji gives him a confused look and Ash chuckles.

“You mean a prenuptial photoshoot.”

“Oh.” Eiji blinks. “That’s what it is.”

Ash hums. “How old are they? This couple.”

Eiji thinks for a moment. “A little bit younger than you, I think. Around twenty three or twenty two.”

“And how long have they known each other?”

“A year or so, I think.”

Ash raises his brows. “And you don’t think that’s too early for them to be getting married?”

Eiji shrugs. “When you’re in love, I guess nothing is too early.”

Ash watches Eiji quietly, his eyes skirting over the features of his face. The browns of his eyes, the delicate lines of his eyebrows, the sweep of his nose, even the strange new sharpness of his jaw.

Eiji frowns. “What?”

Ash reaches out and cups Eiji’s cheek in his hand, stroking his thumb over his skin. Eiji closes his eyes and leans in to the touch, uttering a small sigh of contentment.

“Do you know how much I love you?” Ash says. “Just how much I’m grateful that you’re in my life?”

Eiji gives a small breathy laugh and when he opens his eyes to look at him, Ash sees the stars, the moon, the entire universe reflected in them.

“You remind me of all the good in the world,” Ash continues, “all the things that aren’t completely messed up. If it weren’t for you, Eiji. If it weren’t for you…” Ash can barely finish his sentence as Eiji closes the distance between them and seals his lips with a chaste kiss.

“I know,” Eiji says when he pulls away. “I feel the same, Ash. I still do.”

There is a pause before Ash snorts. “You need a haircut,” he says.

The tender look on Eiji’s face is immediately replaced by indignance. He sticks his tongue out at Ash. “You need one too.”

Ash smiles and the night is suddenly peaceful again, the wind outside having long died down, the fingers that had been tapping at their window quieted.

“Are you okay now?” Eiji asks.

Ash smiles. “With you, it never takes long.”

Eiji yawns and stretches before taking his glasses off and putting them on the bedside table. “I have to get up early tomorrow,” he groans, sinking back down into bed.

Ash chuckles and lies back down next to him. He wraps an arm around Eiji and pulls him close, till Eiji’s head is right below his chin, Eiji’s nose tickling at the crook of his neck.

“ _Ii yume o mite ne_ ,” Eiji mumbles sleepily into Ash’s neck, his breath warm against Ash’s skin. Before long, Eiji has drifted off to sleep, his breathing steady, lips slightly parted.

Ash sighs and holds on to Eiji like a lifeline, intent on not letting him go once throughout the entire night.

In the morning, Eiji might have to get up and leave the house earlier than Ash. Then the bed will seem too large for Ash, too cold, too empty. But for now, while the moon is still in the sky and the streets are still quiet, Ash holds Eiji and reminds himself that he is real.

This is real.

“ _Ore wa mou_ New York _ni imasen_ ,” he whispers to himself, closing his eyes and letting sleep take him once more.


End file.
